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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23288065">Do I Wanna Know (If This Feeling Flows Both Ways)</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/burning_brighter/pseuds/burning_brighter'>burning_brighter</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Bisexual Bucky Barnes, Bisexual Steve Rogers, Bucky Barnes Recovering, Childhood Friends, Cops, Longlost friends, M/M, Marine Bucky, Post-Serum Steve Rogers, Scarred Bucky, Steve and Bucky are oblivious idiots, War Veteran Bucky Barnes, Witness Protection</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-03-24</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-04-07</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-01 10:48:16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>13,202</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23288065</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/burning_brighter/pseuds/burning_brighter</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>James Buchanan Barnes is a New York City detective.<br/>Steven Grant Rogers is his childhood best friend and his captain.<br/>After an undercover op gone bad, they both end up in witness protection all the way in Texas.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Clint Barton/Natasha Romanov, James "Bucky" Barnes &amp; Sam Wilson, James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>36</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Intro</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Here's a short intro for this fic. most of it is already written so it shouldn't take long before the whole thing is up!<br/>Let me know what you think :)<br/>This is unbeta'd, only proofread by me. English is not my first language so please, be gentle.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>James Barnes was not a complicated man. All he needed in life was coffee, his cat and a job he loved. And at the moment, sitting on his couch in his underwear with Shadow on his lap and a cup of coffee in his hands, he could not ask for more. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>James had made </span>
  <span>detective</span>
  <span> in the NYPD one year ago. As he looked back on everything that happened since then, he couldn’t help but smile a little. A lot. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>He couldn’t believe how happy he was. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>See, a few months before, their captain retired. Now, James loved his old captain, Fury had been an excellent mentor to James as he was to one to push for the whole detective thing. But after an accident in the field, </span>
  <span>the</span>
  
  <span>captain </span>
  <span>had no choice but to retire. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>The person to replace him was none other than James’s childhood friend – and crush – Steve Rogers. They hadn’t seen each other since James had </span>
  <span>left</span>
  <span> from his second tour in Afghanistan </span>
  <span>almost seven</span>
  <span> year ago. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>So much had happened since then. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>James knew Steve had always wanted to be one of the youngest captains in the history of the NYPD and by the looks of it, he managed to do so. At only 34 years of age, Steve had been through a lot. James could only be proud of him for everything he overcame in his life. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Sometimes, James felt bad he was not there when Steve’s mom passed away. He was in Afghanistan at the time and could not go home for a funeral of someone he was not related to. It broke his heart. Probably broke Steve’s too. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Maybe that was why they never really talked again. It was unlike Steve to hold a grudge but he had also been grieving at the time and James had no idea what losing his mother did to Steve. He could only imagine how much it could change a man. God knew how it would change him to lose his own mother. Grief can really make you do things you would never have thought yourself capable of. James had stopped dwelling on the how and why a long time ago.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>That is, until Steve walked in his precinct looking like he did. Honestly it should be a crime to look so damn good in a captain’s uniform. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>It was tense for a while. They both felt happy yet uneasy to have to work together. It was hard for Steve to give orders and reprimand James but after a couple of weeks, everything </span>
  <span>got </span>
  <span>smoother and they just clicked back into place. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Seeing Steve again was hard. It was hard because he had missed Steve so damn much in the past s</span>
  <span>even </span>
  <span>years. After everything that happened, James just could never bring himself to reach out, try to mend things. When he came back from overse</span>
  <span>as</span>
  <span>, he just felt like too much time had passed. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>The more time passed, the more James just felt like it was too late. </span>
  <span>So,</span>
  <span> he never did anything, just sat on it for years and he felt nothing but regret.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>The hardest part was everything that came rushing back along with Steve. James had not thought of their relationship in years. Sure, he had thought of Steve, a lot, but maybe he had tried to shut off all of his feelings about the whole thing. And at some point, he just decided to stop fantasizing about a relationship that just never really happened in the past and definitely never would now that Steve was his CO.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Steve had always had a special place in James’s heart and it would probably never change. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>It was not like anything had happened between them, not really, but on a certain level, James knew that back then, the two of them had been meant for each other. Since they were four years old, it had been obvious to everyone around them. Well, everyone maybe except them. Or maybe just Steve. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Looking at Steve from where he sat at his desk, James could not help but think they had all been wrong. Steve and him had never been right for each other. James had always gotten Steve in trouble and Steve had always made it worse. They had been the best of friends but they were no good for each other.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>That’s a lie.</span>
  </em>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>James figured there was nothing wrong with lying to himself. Not even a little bit.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You’re so obvious, Sarge,” said a voice behind James. As he turned around, he was faced with one of his detectives, Sharon Carter.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I have no idea what you’re talking about, Carter,” James said, looking away from </span>
  <span>Steve’s</span>
  <span> office with a soft sigh. He had been obvious and he knew it. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Sharon raised an eyebrow but silently went back to her desk and left him alone for the rest of the day. His tone must have put her off because Sharon was usually not one to give up so easily. She had fought James before on the smallest things but he figured that something in his voice told her to just not push it. Not today.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>If James was honest with himself – which he was not – he would be able to admit he was pinning for Steve. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>When he left the precinct, all James could think about was the last day he saw Steve seven years ago. Honestly, James had never really stopped to think about it. Not after all those years and definitely not now that Steve was back in his life. And it looked like he was not going anywhere anytime soon.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>As he sat on the couch with his cat the next morning, all he wished was for Steve to be right there, in the same room, in his space, next to him, so close they could feel each other but just far away enough that they would quite not touch still. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>James shook the thought away as he got up to get ready for work. </span>
  <span>Shadow meowed in disagreement as she was pushed to the floor. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah, I know,” James whispered as he left the room, not quite awake enough to be wanting to head to work. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>He had been working a difficult case lately, a string of assaults and murders that all seemed to point to the same person or more likely, group of people. He had been working on that case for months now but there was nothing more he could find. Not while being on the </span>
  <em>
    <span>outside </span>
  </em>
  <span>that is.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>James had a plan. </span>
  <span>The day before, he had </span>
  <span>had a meeting with Steve and the commissioner about going undercover</span>
  <span>. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>He knew the risks; he knew how dangerous it was but he had no other choice. The organization he suspected of being responsible for all those crimes was out of control. They had to be taken in, they had to be stopped. And if James had to be the one to do it, then so be it.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>The meeting had not gone well. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>James knew Steve was just trying to protect him but all he had been doing was making him feel like a kid again, not being able to fight by himself</span>
  <span>, always needing Steve by his side.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>What he had not been expecting was Steve saying he would go under with </span>
  <span>him.</span>
  <span> He said it would be safer and James could not really say anything because he was not wrong but also because he did not want him to be. In a way, James wanted Steve there. It was familiar and it felt safe and James shoved the feeling </span>
  <em>
    <span>deep down</span>
  </em>
  <span>. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>He could not afford to feel things like that. Not anymore, certainly not again. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>As James walked into the precinct that morning, the air felt heavy. He knew this was it. Tonight, he was going to go for a meet and if it went well, he would stay away for as long as needed. At least, he would be with Steve. That was the only reason he was not scared to death all day. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Going undercover was always nerve-wracking. You never knew who you were going to face and what they knew about you. James felt a knot in his stomach all day and that is when he knew. It was not going to go away. Not today, not tonight and probably not for a few weeks, maybe a few months.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>James had no idea how long they would need to stay in. He had no idea what HYDRA was really capable of and it scared him but, in a way, James could not help but feel excited at the idea. It was an ugly mix of feelings and he was truly struggling to handle it all.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>All he could think of was Steve.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>He would be safe. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>He would be with Steve.  </span>
  
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Part 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Steve and Bucky get acclimated to their life in Texas.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It was silent all around him. It felt heavy on his shoulders and it pressed hard on his chest. He felt like he could not breathe properly. </p><p>James was lying in bed, eyes wide open, the light from the few passing cars illuminating his room every ten minutes or so. It was so quiet it almost made him sick. </p><p>Never before in his life had James been in a place so silent. He had lived in Brooklyn for twenty-seven years and in Afghanistan for five so silence was not really his thing. He was used to the bustling noises of the city and the explosions and gunfire of the war. There was nothing in between for him. </p><p>But now, there, in suburban San Antonio, Texas, in between was exactly where he was. And he absolutely hated it. </p><p>After going undercover for almost a year, the NYPD was able to apprehend most of the people in the organization that James was investigating. The thing was, some people got away. Some powerful people.  </p><p>After the takedown, some of those people, mostly Alexander Pierce, tried to come after James and Steve so the safest option was to put both men in protective custody.  </p><p>So, there they were, in witness protection all the way in <em> fucking  </em>Texas. At least they were introduced to the neighborhood as neighbors so they were together. </p><p>The problem was that Steve and James were definitely not on the best of terms, not after how it went down during the undercover operation. </p><p>See, James wanted to do things his way, it being his case and all, but Steve wanted to be “safe” and “careful” and after a few months they just took separate ways. James stayed with what they called the “strike team” and Steve kept to himself in the offices in downtown Manhattan.  </p><p>Tension was high between them but just the thought of not being alone in this was so comforting to James that the fact that they were not talking did not even matter. </p><p>As he was walking outside in his robe with a cup of coffee in his hand, his left arm bent and held close to his chest, to grab to paper one morning, he glanced over at Steve’s house across the street and saw that Steve was doing something similar, wearing only short gym shorts and a tank top. James’s breathing stopped for a second before looking away and walking back to his house. </p><p>“Bucky,” James heard from across the street. “Please, let’s talk.” </p><p>Hearing Steve’s voice again after weeks of silence somehow felt like a breath of fresh air. But he could not let himself feel it so he kept on walking towards his house.  </p><p>Once he was inside, James sat on the couch for what felt like hours before he felt enough strength to move and actually leave his house. He put on his shoulder brace on his left arm and headed to the grocery store. </p><p>He did not talk about what happened to his shoulder during the bust. He did not feel like he was ready to open up about because honestly, he had not felt that scared for his life since Afghanistan.  </p><p>Steve had tried to talk to him when he was in the hospital after the accident but soon enough, they had been shipped off here and their relationship was still on pause. He hated it but he had been through too much to actually focus on that. He had to focus on his health and recovery.  </p><p>But it felt like Steve was everywhere because as James walked into the store, there was Steve, checking out and looking so damn perfect, still wearing his gym shorts that were honestly sinfully short. The tank top had been replaced by a tight Henley and honestly James was not sure which one was worse. </p><p>He tried to sneak past unnoticed but Steve had a radar for him or something because he heard his name being called as soon as he entered Steve’s field of view. As much as James tried to move fast, Steve was faster and caught up to him so quickly James felt like he imagined it. </p><p>“Bucky, please,” Steve said, reaching for James but not quite touching him.  </p><p>The childhood nickname Steve used hit something that James did not think was still there. </p><p>“Don’t,” James said. “You don’t get to call me that no more.” </p><p>Steve sighed and looked away. “That ain’t fair, Buck. I just wanted to protect you.” </p><p>James scoffed and tried to move but he felt Steve’s hand barely touching his shoulder and he froze. No one had touched him in weeks and it felt scary and good at the same time. Steve hand fell as quickly as it rose up and he sighed again. </p><p>“Nothing about this is fair, Stevie,” James said, sarcastically using Steve’s own nickname. Looking away, he finally made his way into the store, leaving Steve behind, looking kind of sad and awkward standing there with his hands full of grocery bags. When James looked back a minute later, Steve was gone. He did not know how to feel about that. </p><p>This went on for weeks. </p><p>James kept on trying to avoid Steve and Steve somehow always ended up being there, everywhere James went. It was infuriating but somehow, also kind of comforting. At least, James was not alone. He kept on saying he wanted to be but knowing that Steve was never far helped him go through the days. </p><p>Steve went on trying to get through to him, trying to talk, to touch, to have some sort of contact but James would just pull away every time. He simply was not ready. And honestly, after what happened, he did not know if he would ever be. James had been through so much that he sometimes wondered if he had hit his limit, the point of no return, and that he would just never get better, never get over it. “Sometimes” happened a lot. “Sometimes” was all the time. </p><p>As time went by, James had to admit that being in Texas was not all bad. The weather was pretty amazing all the time and San Antonio was really not what he thought it was going to be. Being from New York, all you hear about the Lone Star State was that it was full of racists, homophobes and conservatives. And that might have been true for most cities in the state but San Antonio was different. It was welcoming and open and everything James did not expect it to be. In a lot of ways, it reminded him of Brooklyn. Of <em> home </em>. That really helped him feel better. </p><p>James had been doing his stretches the way his doctor told him every day in the living room as soon as he had some coffee in him. It was painful and hard and just a reminder of everything that had happened before he got sent down here and James wanted to quit, he wanted to give up but he knew he could not. If his arm never got better then he would never be able to get his job back once all of this was over and that was never an option. His job was all he had, there was no way he would give it up. </p><p>One morning, while he was stretching in front of his window, James saw Steve heading for his house. James’s heart started to pound as he looked away and hoped it would make Steve go away too. He knew it did not work when he heard a knock on his front door. </p><p><em> Shit. </em> </p><p>James quickly put a sweatshirt on, not wanting Steve to see the damage on his arm, and went to open the door. He was about ready to tell Steve off and close the door in his face but as he looked at the man on the other side of the threshold, James was suddenly hit with memories of when Steve learned that his mother was sick or when he facetimed him after Steve learned that she passed. It was a lot and if you asked James, it was probably too much, but he still let Steve come in because he could see that Steve needed it. </p><p>As James let the other man in, he could do nothing but squeeze his shoulder. James was still mad but for a second, a minute or hell, even an hour, he figured that he could put it aside and help Steve deal with whatever it was that was going on in his head. </p><p>“I know you -” Steve started, his voice hoarse and broken like he had been crying for the last hour at least. Steve cleared his throat and continued “I know you don’t want to see me Buck but -” </p><p>“You’re right,” James said, dryly. “I also know you and you wouldn’t be coming here if you were okay,” he added, a little softer but still not quite meeting Steve’s eyes. He could not let himself get too involved in this because he was not ready to let Steve back in so easily. </p><p>Steve only nodded and said nothing for what felt like hours to James. It was at most two minutes but watching Steve look at his hands while he was fidgeting and bouncing his leg like a maniac actually felt like an eternity to James. </p><p>“Are you – uhm, what’s going on, Rogers?” James asked. He figured it was easier to keep it formal, keep it unpersonal. </p><p>Suddenly, Steve seemed to remember that James was mad at him. He started getting up, fumbling for his things, looking around everywhere when all of his belongings were still safely in his pockets. James understood then that he was really not okay. </p><p>“Steve,” James said once without a reaction. “Steve, please, sit down,” he added as he got up and pushed Steve back down to the couch. Steve seemed to relax a bit but he looked like he was still on edge so James told himself to suck it up and sat next to Steve. He put his hand on Steve’s shoulder, hopping it would ground him and after a minute, it seemed like it was working. Steve’s eyes finally focused on James and his leg stopped bouncing uncontrollably. He exhaled hard before speaking again. </p><p>“I’m sorry, I’m sure this is the last thing you want,” Steve said, looking away. </p><p>“Steve, I may be super pissed off at you but you’re still my friend,” James said, squeezing Steve’s shoulder a little bit before moving back to the chair next to the couch. He could not be that close to Steve. “You obviously need some company.” </p><p>When Steve just nodded without adding anything for more than a minute, James turned on the TV and put some cooking show on Netflix to fill the silence. James knew how much cooking was relaxing to Steve and so they just eased into the moment and stayed silent. </p><p>After almost an hour, Steve turned to James again, barely meeting his eyes and his voice just above a whisper. “It would have been her birthday today,” he said, before looking away again. </p><p>James only nodded to himself, getting up and grabbing a couple of beers from his fridge. He handed one to Steve, who thanked him silently, not commenting on the fact that it was not even midday yet. James simply shrugged and sat back down on his chair. The silence fell back into place. James would never get used to it. </p><p>James could not stop thinking about what happened a few weeks ago, when they took out HYDRA and he got hurt. All he had been able to do since was blame Steve. Because Steve was not there. Steve was supposed to be with him and keep him safe and sound but Steve had not been there and James had gotten really hurt and it was all Steve’s fault even if it was not.  </p><p>One second, James was in his living room with Steve next to him and then the next, he was in a building in Brooklyn and he felt like the weight of everything was crushing him. Everything around him was on fire and his arm was pinned down under a beam and he could do nothing but scream for help. </p><p>It felt all too real and James could almost feel his flesh melting again. The fear was just as strong as it had been that day and James could not breathe, he could not move. </p><p>Next thing he knew, Steve was in front of him, pulling him out of his own head. James could breathe a little better looking at his friend’s face but suddenly all he felt was anger. A feeling directly aimed at the person in front of him. </p><p>“Buck,” Steve said quietly. “I’m here, just breathe.” </p><p>James was trying to get Steve to just move away from him, pushing at the other man’s shoulder so he would not be that close but Steve did not seem to budge. James got up, trying to get away but Steve was still there by his side, holding onto James’s shoulder softly. </p><p>“Buck, talk to me,” Steve asked, his voice so soft, James thought he might have imagined it. “Barnes,” he added a little louder. </p><p>“Leave,” James said harshly, trying to get away from Steve again. “Get out, Steve,” he added, turning away from his friend.  </p><p>“I’m not leaving you like this, Bucky, you can’t be alone right now.” </p><p>“Fancy coming from you Rogers,” James answered, bitter and sharp. “You didn’t seem to mind leaving me for dead,” he added. </p><p>“What are you – Buck, I didn’t leave you, I –” </p><p>“No, you just didn’t come back,” James said, resigned and hurt. </p><p>Steve looked down at his hands, not knowing what to say. James was right.  </p><p>The plan had been foolproof. No one should have been able to get away. They were supposed to hit both the Manhattan headquarters and the Brooklyn warehouse at the same exact time but unfortunately, things had not gone so smoothly and the hit on the warehouse had been slightly delayed. It gave someone time in the headquarters to tip off the people in Brooklyn and that is when it had gone to shit. </p><p>When the police had breached in the warehouse, it was already in flames. In the two minutes between the two events, it had given them time to set everything on fire. And lock James away. There had been suspicion of him and Steve for a little while now but after the arrests at the Manhattan offices, they had no doubts. And so, before everything was set ablaze, James had been locked in a room in the basement and left there for dead.  </p><p>A few minutes later, as the ceiling had started collapsing, Steve appeared. James had not been sure until then if it had been his imagination or if Steve had really been there but seeing Steve’s unease as he was standing in his living room, he knew. Steve had been there. But he also had left. </p><p>“They didn’t – they wouldn’t let me come back in,” Steve started, still looking down at his hands. “I went to get help but the firefighters, they wouldn’t let me back in there to help you. I'm so sorry, Buck, I really am.” </p><p>James could only look at Steve with nothing but pain in his eyes. He knew that realistically, there was nothing that Steve could have done but the hurt he had felt when he had watched Steve just walk away from him as he was screaming and pleading for help, James had never felt anything so strong. </p><p>“Water under the bridge,” James said dismissively as he walked to the kitchen to brew so coffee. All he wanted was to get away from Steve, from his worried glances and his shaking hands.  </p><p>“Buck, come on,” Steve pleaded, reaching for James but not quite touching him. “I wanted to come back in, I tried everything, I really did,” he added, retracting his hand slowly, suddenly afraid of touching James. </p><p>“Yeah, and I needed you to stay,” James finally screamed. He could not take this anymore. The soft voices and the barely-there touches. “I was dying and you left me there,” he continued, his voice suddenly soft and broken. He could feel the tears forming in his eyes so he kept his back to Steve, not wanting him to see his pain. “I needed you and you left me there.” </p><p>“I guess we’re just bad at being there for each other,” Steve said, defeated. </p><p>“Are you seriously bringing this up? Now?” James said, finally turning to face Steve. His tears were falling freely but he did not care anymore. Steve had crossed a line. “I did everything I could to come back, Steve. I would’ve killed to be there with you, to be there for you.” </p><p>“Water under the bridge,” Steve said, shrugging as he made his way to the door. “I’ll see you around, James,” he added right before closing the door. </p><p>That was the final blow. Steve had not called him James in years. Hell, James was not sure he ever did call him by his name in the thirty years they had known each other.  </p><p>James could only sit there, on his kitchen floor, sobbing and screaming. He clutched his arm close to his chest, the pain grounding him, keeping him in the present because he knew that if he let it go, his mind would go right back to that night and he had seen enough for one day. He had been through enough for one lifetime. </p><p>Shadow silently crawled on his lap and stayed there, purring as James petted her softly, his sobs slowing down. He was so thankful that they let him take his cat with him because, when he was in a state like this, he had no idea what he would do without her. As crazy as it seemed, that cat had gotten him through all of it. </p><p>The next few days went by without much happening. Steve had given up on trying to reach out and if James was being honest, it sort of hurt. James figured that he did bring it to himself by pushing Steve too hard, by pushing him away but there was nothing he could do. At least, not for now. He got what he wanted after all, for Steve to leave him alone. Except he had come to realize that he wanted just the opposite.  </p><p>Every time James bumped into Steve, he had to stop himself from reaching out. It was difficult but it was what had to be done. At least for a while, until James could get his head out of his ass. He had to fix this, one way or the other but he did not know how. Maybe this time he had really gone too far. Maybe this time he had pushed away Steve for good. </p><p>But James refused to believe that. After everything they had been through in their decades of friendship, this could not end like that. Not if James had anything to say about it. </p><p>Steve had stayed by his side through everything and anything when they were kids, hell even when they were young adults. It was hard for James to look back on those memories because the feelings rushing back came with the territory.  </p><p>Realistically, James knew he had been in love with Steve Rogers since he could understand what love was and probably even before that. That never stopped him from having meaningful relationships with other people, men and women alike, but Steve had always been a thought in the back of his mind, dancing around his brain, never really leaving him alone. </p><p>For a while, James had thought that his feelings might be mutual. He had caught Steve’s longing glances and lingering touches but it felt like it had only been for a second because when then Steve had met Peggy Carter. Their love was like something out of a movie. They worked perfectly together and nothing could have come between them.  </p><p>After graduation, when James told Steve he was enlisting, he could see Steve’s heart break slightly. When James shipped off to basic training, Steve had whispered in his ear that he would always be with him. When James came back from his first tour, eighteen months later, Steve was engaged to Peggy and it was James’s heart that broke a little this time. When Steve walked in the precinct a year before, Steve had no ring on his finger and no pictures on his desk. That told James what he needed to know. In the end, they had not worked out. </p><p>After weeks of avoiding each other, James decided he would have to be the one to take the high road with Steve. And so, one warm October evening, James crossed the street, his hands full of cold beer bottles and warm pizza. He knocked on Steve’s door, a knot suddenly forming in his stomach and James felt like he was fifteen again, lying in bed, next to Steve, a few days after coming to terms with his feelings. He had felt it a lot of times after that. The last time he had felt it though was when Steve walked into his precinct, introducing himself as his new captain. </p><p>When Steve finally opened the door after what felt like hours to James, he did not look happy to see who was on the other side. James could see a sparkle of surprise in the man’s eyes though so he took it as a win. </p><p>“I think we should talk,” James said, lifting his right arm, showing the goods he had brought. </p><p>Steve sighed but he still opened the door and moved out of the way, gesturing for James to come in. He grabbed the pizza out of the other man’s hand as they went. James could not help but smile a little. </p><p>He had never been inside of Steve’s house before. It looked warm and it felt like home. Steve had made it look like home.  </p><p>There was a lot of pictures on the walls. Pictures of his parents, of Steve and his mother, of places he has had the chance to visit and, surprisingly, a few pictures of James. He was surprised as, when he stepped into the living room, he saw the last picture Steve and James took together, the day before James left for his second tour almost eight years ago now. James’s heart twisted and he felt it drop.  </p><p>For a second, he regretted his decision but as he looked up at Steve and saw his questioning glance, he remembered why he had come. They were silent for a while, Steve absently gesturing towards the couch, silently asking him to sit. </p><p>“I’m sorry,” they said at the same time after a while. They both laughed softly, looking at each other for a second but quickly looking away. </p><p>Steve nodded at James, gesturing for him to go first. </p><p>“I’m sorry for what I said the other day,” James stared, looking up from the ground and up at Steve. “It was uncalled for. I know you did your best and it was enough, Steve –” </p><p>“Except that it wasn’t,” Steve cut him off. </p><p>“It was already too late when you got there Steve, my arm – it was already gone.” </p><p>“But it’s not gone. They said it could get better, they said it would. Please Buck, it’ll get better right?” Steve said, his voice breaking, his eyes pleading and James’s heart breaking just a little bit more. </p><p>“Steve it’s okay. It doesn’t matter. What's done is done and we’ve gotta live with it Steve. Please, let’s stop fighting. Please let’s go back to the way it was before? To how we were before I left, before –” </p><p>“Before Ma died,” Steve finished. It was not what James was going to say but he guessed it got his point across either way. “James, I tried – I tried reaching out but nothing I could say ever felt like it was the right thing so I gave up, I gave up on you, on us. And I shouldn’t have, I should’ve fought for you, Bucky, I’m so sorry,” Steve continued, rambling on and on about how he should have done better and been better. </p><p>“Steve,” James said, trying to get Steve to stop babbling, to stop talking. “Steve, please,” he continued, moving closer to Steve and squeezing his shoulder to snap him out of it.  </p><p>“I’m so sorry,” Steve said, finally calming down. </p><p>“Okay,” James started, moving away from Steve, giving him some space to breathe. “Let’s just eat and watch Netflix, we can talk later, okay?” </p><p>Steve nodded and turned on his TV, putting on The Good Place. He figured that it was better to put something lighthearted and fun on so it would not kill the mood and the peace between the two men. </p><p>They watched the show in silence for a couple of hours, downing beer after beer before all of the ones that James had brought were empty and sitting on the table. Steve got up and grabbed two more from his fridge, offering one to James as he sat on the other side of the couch, opposite from James.  </p><p>After a while, they turned to each other and started to talk. It felt nice and light and James did not want to go back to before, he never wanted to go back to not talking to Steve because they had gone long enough without being <em> them </em>. </p><p> “Can we agree to go back to normal? Please?” James pleaded. </p><p>Steve scoffed playfully and looked back at James, grabbing his beer from the table. </p><p>“What is normal for us, Buck?” he asked, a playful glimmer in his eyes. “Before or after you left?” </p><p>“You mean before or after you told me to go?” James asked, suddenly so serious. “I don’t know if you remember, but you’re the one who told me that reenlisting was a good idea when everyone else told me not to,” he added, biting into a slice of pizza, mischief in his eyes. </p><p>“Yeah, because that’s what you wanted to hear,” Steve responded, his beer bottle resting gently on his bottom lip. “You just needed someone to comfort you in your decision.” </p><p>James hummed and downed half of his beer in one gulp, looking at Steve in a way he had not done in almost a decade. In a way that brought back every little feeling. Every single memory came back and suddenly, he was back in Brooklyn with Steve and they were both so young and James had his duffle bag with him, his army uniform on, ready to go to the airport. </p><p>“Before or after you tried to get me to stay?” James asked again, shifting closer to the edge of the couch, closer to Steve.  </p><p>Steve leaned closer as well, his elbows on resting on his knees, his beer bottle dangling between his legs. He had a smirk up on his face and something in his eyes that James could not quite place.  </p><p>“I don’t remember you complaining about it,” Steve said, inching closer, his knee touching James’s softly.  </p><p>“Well, maybe you’d just left me speechless,” James retorted, leaning back against the couch. </p><p>Steve laughed softly, looking away from James but the intensity of whatever was shining in his eyes not dimming for a second. James wished he could figure out what it was but he did not think it was an emotion he had seen on Steve before. </p><p>“Let’s just agree to be like we used to,” James finally said, “no particular moment in time,” he added, a grin spreading on his face.  </p><p>They had never talked of that day, not even right after James left, not for months after, when James was in the middle of a desert and not seven years later when they found their way back to each other. They were definitely not going to talk about it then. </p><p>Steve nodded, understanding the silent agreement to not talk about it.  </p><p>“So,” James started, finishing the last slice of pizza, like he always did, with a smile on his face. “Now that we’re, you know, friends, are you gonna tell me what happened? With Peggy?” James asked, his curiosity too strong to keep at bay. </p><p>Steve groaned but looked back at James nonetheless. “She left,” he said, shrugging. </p><p>James hummed. “And the actual truth is?” </p><p>“I pushed her away until she left,” Steve finally said, after a minute of silence. “I was grieving, I was working so much, I didn’t want to have to deal with a failing relationship,” he admitted, looking down at his beer bottle, scratching at the label absentmindedly.  </p><p>“Failing?” James could not help but ask. “You guys were like the perfect couple,” he added, feeling the pain deep in his heart. It was an old wound but it was still there. </p><p>“It was good, it really was,” Steve started. “But after a while, after you left, I don’t know. It just became more work than anything else. And then when Ma passed, she just wouldn’t let me deal with it the way I wanted. After I made detective, I just drowned myself into work and I stopped putting in the work into our relationship. We fought, a lot. And she knew something was wrong, and when she figured it out, she went back to England,” he said, still looking down at his hands and not meeting James’s eyes. He could not take it; he could not handle it. </p><p>James put his hand on Steve’s knee, squeezing slightly, making Steve look up at him finally. </p><p>“What was it?” James asked, genuinely curious. </p><p>Steve looked James in the eyes for a moment, the spark from earlier still there. They stayed that way for a long time, longer than probably necessary but it felt good, it felt like them and it felt like home. </p><p>“You,” Steve finally said, breaking eye contact and looking around the room. </p><p>“Me?” </p><p>“I was grieving my mother, yes. But I was also mourning us.” Steve admitted, his eyes finally falling back on James. “That last phone call, Buck, when you told me you wouldn’t be there – what I said? I’m so sorry. And I wish you knew I didn’t mean it. And when you came back, it was too late, too much time had passed and I didn’t feel like I was entitled to having you back in my life.” </p><p>“Steve, I thought –” James started, his voice low and raw, tears in his eyes. “I thought you didn’t want me in your life and I understood, I really did. As much as it hurt, I did what you asked. I should’ve known better though. You never know what’s good for you,” James said, nudging Steve’s knee, smiling softly. </p><p>“I never have, have I?” Steve asked playfully. </p><p>James only shrugged and settled back in the couch, his eyes focusing back on the TV and that was the end of it. They would not discuss it again and they would go back to normal.  </p><p>Whatever that meant for them. </p><p>When James lied into his bed that night, he felt more at peace than he had in the past ten years and he truthfully did not know what to do with that. Until he fell asleep and went back to his nightmares that is. </p><p>This was different. This was not that night in Brooklyn or a battlefield in Afghanistan, this was him, in an empty dorm room, on his phone, facetiming Steve who was on a different continent and who was distraught. </p><p>“There’s nothing I can do,” James said. “My hands are tied; we are already low on men and they say it’s not family so –” </p><p>“Like hell it ain’t,” Steve spat on the other side of the screen. </p><p>“Steve, don’t make this harder than it has to be,” James pleaded, his voice soft and sad, unlike Steve’s. </p><p>“You know what, James?” he added, his voice full of anger and sadness and resentment. “Don’t bother, okay? After all, we are not family.” </p><p>“C’mon, Stevie, you know that’s not true.” </p><p>“When you come home, don’t bother reaching out either. If it’s not worth it now, it won’t be then.” </p><p>“Stevie,” James said in vain as the call disconnected.  </p><p>James had tears running down his face when he woke up and he felt like he could not breathe. All he could do was lay on his side hoping the feeling would pass. After an hour or so, James could not fall back asleep so he figured that four a.m. was as good a time as any to get up. He put coffee to brew, turned his TV on and waited. It was too early to eat so caffeine would have to do.  </p><p>A few minutes later, Shadow joined him on his couch and they watched a baking show in silence for a few hours. As the sun started to rise, James started his morning routine and went to the front of his living room, in front of the window. He started stretching like he did every day, except, this morning, he had a smile on his face when he watched Steve get out and get his newspaper. They quickly waved at each other before Steve went back inside and James kept on working out the kinks in his shoulder. </p><p>It hurt but every day, it got a little better so he figured that at some point, the pain would only be a distant memory. Working out was always the worst. The weight he used to be able to bench halved because of his weak shoulder. It was infuriating sometimes but when he thought back of what he had been able to do when he got out of the hospital, he realized how far he had come. </p><p>Months ago, when they had gotten here, James could barely move his arm without it hurting like hell.  </p><p>Working things out with Steve really made everything easier. They would hang out almost every day, either at home or going out for coffee and even working out together sometimes. James was still very self-conscious about his arm so he mostly worked out in a long sleeve t-shirt or one of his shoulder brace that covered his whole arm.  </p><p>Steve never asked questions so James never talked about it. It was easy to fall back into place with Steve but James could still not stop the feelings he has had his whole life from surfacing back. He shoved them deep, deep down though, and swore to never open that part of him. He would not lose Steve again. He <em> could not  </em>lose Steve again. </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Part 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Sorry for the delay on this. It turned out to be a little too long so I added a fourth chapter it the story.<br/>Unbeta'd as usual<br/>Enjoy!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>As they spend more and more time together, mending their relationship and trying to make up for lost time, they effortlessly fall into a routine and before they knew it, Christmas was upon them. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Both of them helped the other decorate each other’s place and they even baked Christmas cookies together, deciding that this was as good a time to actually introduce themselves to their neighbors as any. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>James had ever only talked to his left side neighbor, a single father named Clint who actually looked nice. James felt bad sometimes. He had been so wrapped up in his own pain, pity and suffering that he had not even tried to be a part of the community. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>He loved his neighborhood in Brooklyn and he had known everyone in his apartment building not less than a month after moving in so this was very out of character for him.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>On Christmas Eve, James, joined by Steve, went door to door to give out cookies.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“You make such a cute couple,” Steve’s right side neighbor – Natasha </span>
  <span>– told</span>
  <span> them as they gave her a jar filled with colorful cookies.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“</span>
  <span>Oh,</span>
  <span> we’re not –” James started.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Thank you,” Steve said before James could say anything more. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>The young woman in front of them said nothing but she had a shadow of a smile on her face and mischief in her eyes. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>She thanked them and invited them to her party the next day, saying everyone their age from the neighborhood would be there.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>So, that is where they found themselves on Christmas day, dressed up festively, heading over to a stranger’s house but not feeling too bad about it. They brought more cookies, which made everyone pretty happy as they all loved the </span>
  <span>ones</span>
  <span> they had been giving out the day before.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>It was not a big crowd, maybe ten people were in the room when they entered and it was a relief that James did not know he needed. Being around big crowds had never been a problem before but now, with anxiety pouring out of every single one of his pores, he could not bear the idea of having someone pressed next to him.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>James looked around the room and was pleased to see that people were not fazed by strangers entering the room and another sense of relief came over James. People were not staring at him.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>As Steve entered soon after him, he felt more at ease, and started making his way into the room. A few eyes fell on him but after exchanging a polite smile, people moved on. Natasha came up to them, smiling slightly, her eyes still full of mischief and James figured that it was a default setting. The three of them chatted for a while before she dragged them to the middle of the room.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Attention, everybody,” Natasha yelled, to get everyone’s attention. “This here is Buchanan and not-his-boyfriend, Grant, they are new to the neighborhood, so </span>
  <span>y’all</span>
  <span> be nice to them.”</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>James could feel his cheeks becoming red at the implication. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>He was aware that using their middle names as their witness protection program names was not super smart but it still gave them a sense of normality and James had been clinging to as much as he could. It was hard not to call Steve by his name for a full day around other people but after a few hours – and a few drinks – it became slightly easier.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey,” someone said behind James, grabbing his left shoulder lightly. James flinched at the unknown touch. As James turned around, he saw the other man with his hands up, a sheepish look on his face. “Sorry, man. Didn’t mean to scare </span>
  <span>ya</span>
  <span>,” the man said in a thick New Orleans accent.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>The man standing in front of him was a tall, handsome black man with a smile that could light up anyone. James could not help but smile back a little bit. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“All good, man,” James said, extending a hand for him to shake. “Name’s Buchanan.”</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Sam,” the man said, shaking James’s hand happily. “So, your parents hated you, or,” Sam asked, trailing off, his smile getting bigger.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Ha,” James snorted, “you can call me Bucky.” </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Sam only nodded and they continued with their conversation. James’s eyes could not help but drift back to Steve once in a while. He hoped that it was as subtle as he hoped but judging by the look Sam kept on giving him every time his eyes drifted away, he was </span>
  <em>
    <span>not </span>
  </em>
  <span>good at hiding it.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“So, what’s up with you and not-your-boyfriend Grant over there?” Sam asked after James had looked over at Steve for the fifth time in two minutes.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>James groaned, take a long sip from his beer, probably longer than necessary but he did not want to answer the question because in all honesty, he had no idea what was up with them.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ve known him since I was six, you know,” James said, absentmindedly, watching the rest of his beer shift around in the bottle as he moved it around. “He’s all I have,” he added, looking a little defeated.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I get it,” Sam said. “You don’t </span>
  <span>wanna</span>
  <span> lose him.”</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>James shrugged and sort of ran away with the excuse to go grab another beer from the fridge. When he turned around, Steve was behind him, a little too close but it was Steve after all so James did not mind all that much.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Piece of advice,” Steve started, reaching behind James for a beer of his own. “Don’t go near Thor if you don’t want him to crush you in a hug,” he finished, a little laugh escaping his mouth softly. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>James nodded silently, drinking from his beer while looking straight into Steve’s eyes. To anyone on the outside, it must look intimate but to James it just felt natural and it was just them. They chatted in the kitchen for a bit, everyone else gathered in the living room. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>They stayed around the party for a while longer. In the corner of his eyes, James could see Steve talking with Clint while James was striking up a conversation with this girl named Wanda. She was nice enough and had an accent that James could not quite place so he played a game with himself the whole conversation to try and figure it out. At the end, he had to ask because he still had not figured it out. The answer had been Latvia. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>When James had found Steve late in the night to let him know he was leaving, his friend grabbed his own jacket and followed him out of the house. As they said goodbye to everyone, they all glanced at them for leaving together, a little smile on their faces.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>James ignored it and Steve only shook his head at all of them, smiling softly. Steve walked James back to his house and just as he was turning around to head back home, James called of him. “Nightcap?” he asked softly.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Steve turned around and nodded, before following James inside the house.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>They spent the rest of the night on James’s couch, eating frozen pizza and drinking beers for a couple of hours.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Do you remember our last Christmas together before you shipped off to Afghanistan?” Steve asked, leaning back on the couch, sipping on his beer slowly.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“How could I not,” James said, remembering the day fondly. “It was my last Christmas with you both," James added, a distant smile playing on his lips. “Your Ma made her famous turkey, and we got drunk on eggnog before we all passed out on the couch. That memory got me through my first Christmas overseas.”</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Steve nodded softly, a painful memory of their time apart clawing at his heart. James could see Steve look away from him, his eyes sad and soft. James barely reached out, being afraid to touch Steve and making this worse somehow but then he got himself together and reminded himself that this was Steve and nothing could ever make it worse, especially not touching. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>James grabbed Steve shoulder tightly, squeezing just the right amount to get Steve’s eyes back on him and back to normal. Steve smiled softly before looking up at James’s eyes. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m sorry for the way I pushed you away, Buck.”</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Steve, we’ve been over it. I forgive you, I’m just glad we’re back to normal,” James said, rubbing Steve’s shoulder, trying to just keep the eye contact, trying to keep Steve focused on him. James could see the other man’s eyes trying to shift away and the thoughts forming in his head but Steve looked like he could not quite put words together so he just looked at James for at least five more minutes.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“But we’re not back to normal, are we?” Steve finally asked, his voice soft and low and his eyes finally tore away from James’s face, looking around the room, finally settling on a picture of James in uniform on the table next to the fireplace. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“What do you mean?”</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Steve still would not look back at James, his eyes fixed on the picture as if it could talk.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I mean,” Steve started, shifting closer to James but keeping his eyes on the photograph on the other side of the room, “how we’ve not talked about the last time we saw each other, eight years ago.” </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>James took his hand away from Steve’s shoulder as if it had burned him somehow. His eyes were fixed on Steve’s face, trying to figure out where Steve was going with this but nothing gave. James could only wonder why Steve would bring this up.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Care to elaborate?” James finally asked after what felt like an eternity. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“You know what I'm talking about.”</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“You mean how you kissed me, Steve?”</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“You mean how you kissed me back, Buck?” Steve asked, finally looking back at James, his eyes full of something that James could not pinpoint. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>James scoffed at Steve’s comment because, yes, he had kissed back but he had also not been the one to start the whole thing. Steve was out of his mind if he thought differently. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh I’m sorry, did you want me to reject you Steve? Push you away? Is that what you wanted?” James asked, bitterly, getting up from his couch and looking angrily at Steve. “You’re the one who was trying to make me stay.”</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“And you’re the one who still left,” Steve yelled, getting up from the couch and crowding James.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“What did you expect me to do, Steve? Go AWOL? Break up your engagement? Run away with you?” James said, louder than Steve, trying to get him to shut up. “Because you’re the one who told me to go, you’re the one who said you’d be fine without me,” he kept on yelling.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I just wanted you to –” Steve started yelling but deflated quickly, looking down at his hands. “I just wanted you to say you felt it too.”</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>James’s eyes softened and all of the anger left his body. For a second, he swore he had seen Steve like he was when he was a teenager, small and weak and just feeling too much all the time. James did not know what to do, it all felt like a lot, it felt like too much and he did not know how to handle Steve’s face and Steve’s eyes and all the emotions swimming in them.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Steve, I –” James started but he honestly had no idea what to say. He could not confess his love for Steve at that moment, he just could not. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>James could not believe that Steve felt it too but James could not base his instincts on something that happened almost ten years ago. How could he be sure Steve still felt it? All that time had passed and maybe Steve was just wondering if James had felt it </span>
  <em>
    <span>then </span>
  </em>
  <span>but it did not mean that he still felt it. It did not mean anything. Except when James looked back up, Steve was halfway out of the door but there was nothing that James could say to make him stay. He could only watch him powerlessly as Steve crossed the street and went back to his place.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>When he went to bed that night, James could not help but to think back to that night in Brooklyn where Steve had kissed him and begged him not to go. A single tear had fallen from James’s eye as he turned away and left. Little did he know that it would be the last time he would see Steve in seven years. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>For the first time in a while, James woke up screaming in the middle of the night. The last thing he had seen before opening his eyes and waking up had been Steve’s retreating form as he was stuck under a metal beam, everything burning around him. The pain felt real, be it physical pain from his arm or the psychological pain of having to watch Steve walk away from him in that particular moment. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>His arm felt like it was on fire again, he could almost feel the skin melting and all he could do was scream, scream for Steve, scream for help, scream until he could not anymore. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>James jumped when he heard a knock on his door not five minutes after waking up and he hesitated for a long time before finally sighing and getting up, putting clothes on as he went. When he opened the door, he did not know what he was expecting but it definitely was not Sam, staring at him, eyes full of concern, in his pajama, silently asking to come in. James could only nod at him before moving to the side and letting the other man inside.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“So, now that we’ve met, I don’t feel weird doing this,” Sam started as he walked in the living room, James not far behind, “but I live next door and – well, I’ve been hearing </span>
  <span>ya</span>
  <span>,” Sam trails off.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Uh, you been hearing me?” James asked, a little unsure of what Sam meant.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“</span>
  <span>Ya</span>
  <span> know, at night – when ya scream,” Sam finally said, before sitting down on James’s couch without invitation. “I mean, not like </span>
  <em>
    <span>scream </span>
  </em>
  <span>but </span>
  <span>ya</span>
  <span> know,” he added, realizing how his first statement could be misunderstood. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>James nodded, disappearing in the kitchen to go put some coffee to brew, before coming back to the living room and sitting on the chair opposite Sam. The other man’s eyes drifted to James’s shoulder and before James could hide it, Sam was looking at the scars all over his arm. James figured there was no point in hiding it now so he just sat back and shrugged.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“How – what happened?” Sam asked, eyes leaving James’s arm and settling on his face. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Afghanistan,” James answered, not in the mood to elaborate. That’s what had been discussed with the Marshalls anyways. If anyone </span>
  <span>ended up</span>
  <span> seeing his arm, he would have to say it was a war injury. It was not too far from the truth.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Marines?” Sam asked, his eyes now full of understanding. When James would not answer, Sam cleared his throat before talking again. “I used to be pararescue.”</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>James nodded in understanding before getting up. He came back a few seconds later with two cups of coffee, handing one to Sam before sitting back down. Sam silently thanked him.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“PTSD is a bitch, uh?” Sam said, sipping slowly on his coffee. James could only snort at that because yeah, PTSD really was a bitch.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I just wanted to say that, if it’s okay, I’m just gonna sit here for a bit and make sure you’re good,” Sam said, flashing a big smile and bringing his mug to his lips. “If not, I’ll head home and we don’t have to talk about this ever again.”</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>James appreciated the gesture so he just whispered an </span>
  <em>
    <span>okay </span>
  </em>
  <span>to Sam, settling deeper into his chair and trading stories about their time in the military. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>When the sun started to peak through the window, Sam got up, left his long empty coffee mug on the table before heading to the door, telling James to call him whenever he felt like talking or just hanging out.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>It took a while for James to get a move on that morning, sitting on his couch for longer than he had anticipated. After doing his stretches, he decided to go on a jog as it was still pretty warm out. He was used to New York winters so to have such a beautiful day right after Christmas was so unusual to him. He took advantage of it and got ready for his run.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>On the way back, as James was stretching his legs on front of his house, he saw Steve getting out on the other side of the street. Their eyes locked and as James tried to make his way towards Steve, the blond just shook his head and got in his car, driving away without looking back at James for a second. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>The pain James felt in his chest started to feel all too familiar and he was really tired of it. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>But Steve kept on avoiding him for days, up until New Year’s Eve where they were all invited to Sam’s house to celebrate. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>As James stepped into the house with a bunch of beer and a pizza dangerously balancing in his hands, he spotted Steve on the other side of the room who was looking back at him, looking like he wanted to come to James’s help but just would not let himself do so. James shrugged and managed to bring it all to the kitchen, not needing </span>
  <span>anyone’s</span>
  <span> help, not even Steve’s.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>If Steve wanted to play this game then fine, James was going to </span>
  <span>miserably</span>
  <span> beat him because if someone was petty, it sure as hell was James Buchanan Barnes.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Thank you for coming,” Sam said as he entered the kitchen shortly after James.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Thanks for inviting me, you didn’t have to,” James answered, putting the beer bottles in the fridge, not really meeting Sam’s eyes.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“</span>
  <span>Ya</span>
  <span> know,” Sam started, opening the pizza box and grabbing a slice. “I </span>
  <span>kinda</span>
  <span> like </span>
  <span>ya</span>
  <span>, Bucky.”</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>James hummed at that and finally got his head out of the fridge. “Stop hitting on me, Wilson,” James said, a smirk up on his lips.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Ha, </span>
  <span>ya</span>
  <span> wish,” Sam answered, snorting around a mouthful of pizza.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Charming,” a voice behind them said. As James turned around, Steve was suddenly in his space, too close for James’s comfort, closer than he had been in a week and James could not help but to lean towards Steve a little. He had missed the other man, he had missed him so much but if Steve was going to be a child about this, so was James.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“What’s up, Stevens,” James said, using Steve’s fake last name. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Well, </span>
  <em>
    <span>Buchanan</span>
  </em>
  <span>, I was just coming in here to grab a beer, didn’t expect to step into the intro from a porno,” Steve retorted. The way Steve had said his name, his voice full of something that resembled resentment was a blow but James would not let the emotion show.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“No need to be jealous, man,” James said, leaning closer towards Sam, his arm slowly going up to the man’s shoulders.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Sam shimmied away at the last second, looking between both men with a dumbfounded look. “Whatever this is, I </span>
  <span>ain’t</span>
  <span> a part of it,” Sam said, walking out of the kitchen, leaving James alone with Steve.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“What the fuck, man?” James asked when Sam was out of earshot. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Steve shrugged, reached around James to grab a beer then walked away without a word. James could only sigh, before grabbing a drink of his own and going out to the living room to socialize a bit. He found Natasha fairly quickly. She was in the middle of a heated conversation with Clint, so he decided not to bother them. Sam was in a corner talking to a guy named Scott who James had never met before and he was not feeling like meeting new people so he made his way to Thor, who was striking up a conversation with Wanda and he figured it was good enough.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Steve was on the other side of the room, talking to Tony and Bruce about some science fact or history fact that James could not quite make out so he focused on the two people in front of him.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>The night went by pretty quickly and before he knew it, midnight was creeping up on them. As everyone in the room started counting down from ten, James made his way to the backyard to avoid the commotion. There were way too many people in there and James could not deal with the noise anymore. As he sat down on the porch, he could feel someone else out here with him but he decided to ignore it, focusing instead on his full beer bottle in his hand. And when someone sat next to him as everyone was yelling </span>
  <em>
    <span>ONE </span>
  </em>
  <span>inside the house, well, he would be lying if he said it felt nice to not be alone. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>After a minute, James finally turned to the person next to him, only half surprised when he found Steve sitting there, his eyes glossy and distant. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Are you drunk, Steve?” James asked, eyes not quite making contact with the other man’s.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“What’s it to you?”</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Well, you are the one who came to sit down next to me, man. I was fine by myself.” James said, only slightly lying. He was glad Steve was next to him but he was still unsure of what Steve wanted from him so he stayed distant.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Isn’t that your fucking motto, Barnes?”</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>James hummed and nodded to himself, slowly getting up from where he was sitting, walking towards the other side of the house, ready to head back home. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Wait,” Steve said, getting up but not moving towards James.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“What do you want from me?” James said, turning around to face Steve but staying put, not getting closer. “What the hell do you want, Steve?” his voice getting louder.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Can we talk?” Steve asked, his eyes small and sad. “Please,” his voice suddenly soft and broken.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Not when you’re drunk, no,” James answered, turning back around. “I’m going home.”</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>As he got home, James took his jacket off, his short sleeve shirt leaving his arms on full display. It was not as hard to look at it as before. The scars looked better than they ever had before, not as red nor angry. They had stopped being sensitive weeks ago but sometimes when James still rubbed them and pushed on them, they still felt delicate.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>James sat on his couch, wanting to call his sister more than anything but he could not. He was not allowed to contact anyone from his old life and it killed him because his sister was everything to him.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>He was passing out on his couch when a knock startled him awake. He looked at the time and groaned, realizing he had been home for over two hours. He sighed and got up to go to his front door. People really had to stop knocking on his door at all hours, it was becoming an annoying habit. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>James was not expecting to find Steve on the other side of the door, his features and eyes tired but sober and James felt relief wash over him as he let the blond into his house. They both went to the living room, sitting on opposite ends of the couch but still facing each other.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Buck, I wanted to apologize, I –” </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I felt it,” James cut him off. He sat straighter on the couch, leaning slightly towards Steve before continuing. “That day when you kissed me, I felt it too. And it scared me and I left. But I didn’t think it would be the last time, I thought we’d have more time. I thought –”</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Do you still feel it?” Steve asked, his eyes staring straight at James before his gaze fell to the other man’s arm. James realized then that Steve had never seen his arm since this accident. He had always been so careful about hiding it but at that moment, he suddenly did not care anymore. Steve could see it all, he did not have the strength to care. “Shit, Buck,” Steve said, reaching out but not quite touching him, in fear that James would pull away like he always did. Except that James stayed perfectly still, allowing Steve to graze his fingers against the scared tissue.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Steve softly moved closer to James, their knees touching slightly but neither man said anything. After a minute, Steve started pushing up the sleeve on James’s shirt, trying get as much skin out there. Sighing, James pulled back a little, giving Steve a reassuring look, before undoing the buttons of his shirt and slowly taking it off, letting it fall from his shoulder and rest around his waist on the couch. With the shirt off, Steve could see it all. All the scars, where the burns met his healthy skin just over his shoulder, his whole naked torso, healthy skin tight over his muscles.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Steve ran his fingers all over it, pressing softly on the last zone of scared tissue where James’s neck met his shoulder. A shudder went down James’s spine as the sensitive skin was rubbed for the first time in a while. James always focused on the skin on his arm, where the burns were the worst so feeling a touch to his shoulder felt different. It felt like fire in his veins. He could not help the small gasp that escaped his lips as Steve pressed harder. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>James could not help but notice the smirk on Steve’s face. He was enjoying the effect he had on James, he liked making him squirm and James would be lying if he said it was at least the smallest bit arousing. James had not felt this way in a long time and honestly, every time he had felt something so powerful, it had always been when Steve at touched him.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>The first time, they had been fifteen and James had gotten his first girlfriend. Steve had been worried about being left out and not being able to hang out with James as much. And James had tried to reassure him, telling him they would always be best friends and nothing would change between them, even if they would spend a little less time together. That night, Steve had been spending the night at James’s because the older boy had felt like he still needed to make Steve feel better. And in the middle of the night, as they had been sharing a bed, Steve little frame had found itself wrapped around James, rubbing his back softly as he thought James was asleep. That had been the moment James had realized he was a goner for Steve Rogers and he would probably never get over it.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>The last time – other than Steve kissing him – James had felt it had been the day he had come back from his first tour. After dropping all of his stuff at his sister’s, James had made his way to Steve’s place, not too far away. The walk had been welcome, bringing some piece of mind to James who felt guilty about leaving his best friend for so long. When he had made it there, Steve had welcomed him in a warm hug and invited him inside. Later that night, Steve had cooked him dinner and told him about his engagement to Peggy before they laid on the couch, a little drunk and very much content to be together again. As James was passing out, he had felt Steve’s finger on his shoulders, rubbing the knots and worries away.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>So, when he felt it again, James did not know what to do about it so he shoved it deep down like he always had when something like this happened.  James was no stranger to denying feelings. He had been doing it for almost twenty years so he ended up getting pretty good at it.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Steve moved his hand slowly, still rubbing at James’s skin and this time, James had to bite back a full-on moan, biting his tongue so hard it almost drew blood.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Do you still feel it, Buck?” Steve asked again, his voice cracking and his eyes dark with something that James had never seen directed at him, his face so close to James’s neck, he could feel his breath on his skin. James did not know how to feel, he could only feel tiny under the gaze.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>James felt as if Steve was touching him everywhere, all of his nerve endings ignited and James was ready to do anything Steve to him to. James could do nothing but nod as an answer to Steve’s question. He still felt it, he felt it all over. A whimper escaped James’s throat when Steve’s lips made contact with the skin on his shoulder. It was only soft kisses, barely there and James was not even sure that they </span>
  <em>
    <span>were </span>
  </em>
  <span>there. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“What do you feel, James?” Steve using his given name was something else. It was something he had never thought would be appealing to him but hearing it fall from Steve’s lips it was like Steve had just fanned a flame that James had no idea was there. Steve never called him that and when he did, it was out of spite or anger but this, this felt so different, so </span>
  <em>
    <span>intimate</span>
  </em>
  <span>.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Everything,” James said, breathlessly, feeling Steve lips move down his arm, down to his hand. “You,” he added when Steve moved away completely.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Steve had a smirk on his face that James could not mistake for anything else than what it was. Arousal. James had never thought he would see that look on Steve but to be honest, James was not complaining. It was a good look on Steve.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“What about you, Stevie?” James finally managed to ask, slightly out of breath. “What do you feel?”</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>James sat up straighter on the couch, his thigh now </span>
  <span>flush</span>
  <span> against Steve’s and the other man pushed against it before answer. “Like you need me to kiss you properly,” Steve answered, smirking widely.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>A sigh of relief escaped from James’s mouth as he got closer to the other man, their breaths quickly mixing with one another. It was infuriating in a way. James could not believe that one person could make him feel this way, make him feel so content, so happy, and at the same time, so incredibly crazy.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Just as they were about to meet in the middle, lips inches away from each other, the unmistakable sound of a knock could be heard from James’s door. Closing his eyes for a second, he sighed before getting up, heading to the front door only to open it and see Sam standing there, a worried and sheepish look on his face.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey, man,” Sam said, moving from foot to foot, looking shy. “You okay?”</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>James nodded, letting the man inside, leading him to the living room, were Steve was sitting, a pillow on his lap and a fake uninterested look on his face. James had to force himself to not let out a snort at the sight. He went to the kitchen, to grab a beer for Sam, before going back to the living room to find the other two men chatting.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I just wanted to make sure you were okay,” Sam started, looking at James with the same hint of worry in his eyes as when he opened the door. “I hope I'm not interrupting anything,” he added, looking between the two men on the couch in front of him. “It’s just – you left without saying a word.”</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>As James sat back down on the couch, slightly further away from Steve than they were before, but still close enough that they were barely touching, he shot a look to Sam that conveyed how okay he really was. “I’m fine,” he added, for good measure.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Sam took a sip of the beer in his hand, looking between James and Steve intently, seeing how close they were sitting, how they were almost touching from foot to shoulder, both men with a heavy look in their eyes. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I see that,” Sam answered, a smirk on his face, still looking from one man to the other. “Thought you guys were fighting,” he added, still not looking away.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“We made up,” Steve said, slightly pressing his leg against James’s but looking directly at Sam.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Obviously,” Sam responded, his eyes falling to Steve’s lap, that was still covered by the pillow, clearly hiding something.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>James could not help but snort when he saw what Sam was seemingly looking at, his elbow finding his way into Steve’s ribs playfully. “Obviously,” James repeated. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Sam could do nothing else but nod at them, his smirk turning into a full-on smile as he downed the beer in his had before getting up. Without a word, he shook his head and headed for the door. Right before exiting, he looked back over his shoulder. “Glad </span>
  <span>y’all</span>
  <span> got your shit together,” he said, before shutting the front door behind him.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>They could do nothing but laugh a little bit at that because, they, too, were glad that they finally ended up right there, finally together and aware and happy.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>After a couple of minutes, James finally turned back to Steve, a shit-eating grin pulling at his lips, his hands finding their way to Steve’s chest.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“What’s it that we’re doing, Steve?” James asked, his voice low and timid, almost scared.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Well,” Steve answered, his hands going back to James’s face, holding his neck softly, his thumbs rubbing softly at James’s cheeks. “I’d like to think this is us making up for lost time.”</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“How much lost time are we talking about exactly?” </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>James could not help but fell sheepish, feeling stupid that he even felt the need to ask those question when not even ten minutes ago he was all be ready to rip Steve’s clothing off and have his wicked way with him.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I’d say about fifteen years give or take,” Steve said teasingly, his hands falling from James’s face to run across the vast expanse of his torso. Goddamn, he had forgotten just how good James looked like without his shirt off. He silently promised himself that he never would again.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“</span>
  <span>So</span>
  <span> what you’re saying is,” James started, his hands going up to Steve’s neck, pulling slightly to give himself some leverage to pull himself up and on Steve’s lap, straddling his without fully sitting down, “you’ve had the hots for me for fifteen years?” James finished, still hovering over </span>
  <span>Steve’s</span>
  <span> lap.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“No, James,” Steve said, his hands finding the small of James’s back, pulling his down towards him. “What I’m saying is, I’ve been in love with you for fifteen years,” he adds, finally succeeding in having James sitting fully on his lap, their chests touching, breathing together in </span>
  <span>unison</span>
  <span>. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Without giving him a second to process the words he had just heard, Steve pulled James close, kissing him breathless. The only thing going through James’s mind was one word, repeated relentlessly. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Finally</span>
  </em>
  <span>.</span>
  
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Hope you guys liked this, please let me know what you think in the comments below. I haven't written anything in a while so i might me rusty.<br/>Thank you!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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